News

For Release 9 a.m. CST
April 1, 2002
Water-Mart to Help Taxpayers Address The Urban Conservancy’s Budget Shortfall

Council Apparently Moved By Testimony

April 1, 2002

In dramatic testimony before the New Orleans City Council today, The Urban Conservancy rallied support for its newest project. Citing a $20 million shortfall in its 2003 budgets, The Urban Conservancy unveiled plans for a combination water park and discount retailer to be built over New Orleans’ French Quarter. “The creation of a special tax district for Water-Mart will be a wonderful way for New Orleans taxpayers to address The Urban Conservancy’s budget shortfall,” said Geoff Coats, one of The Urban Conservancy’s principals. “And before now, the people of New Orleans have never had such an obvious opportunity for a soaking.”

The plans, unveiled today revealed a massive water park with discount shopping facilities that would cover most of the French Quarter. The project has the full support of the Audubon Institute, which will manage the “edu-tainment” component of the park. Audubon Institute staff explained what the park will teach: “we’re going to be able to educate the masses in New Orleans about economic development by letting business people make all the decisions. In Atlanta and Houston, economic development is best handled without all that pesky public input.” The employee went on to give examples and stoke New Orleans’ rivalry with other, completely dissimilar cities: “In Atlanta, the city was able to privatize its water supply with virtually no benefit to taxpayers. And everyone knows what a great success Houston-based Enron’s privatization of electricity in India was. Oh…wait a minute. Can I change my quotes?”

The proposal was also endorsed by the New Orleans Chamber of Commerce, although Chamber officials did not have time to confer with their dues paying members before releasing their statement. “We want to remind every member of the City Council that we support them, even if they make a wrong decision-a very, very wrong, career-killing decision,” stated a senior executive of the Chamber in a secret meeting prior to the public one. A senior economist from the University of New Orleans also spoke of the economic benefits of Water-Mart before an audience composed of people promised high pay/low responsibility contracts at the Water-Mart. “Water-Mart’s economic benefits will outstrip Mardi-Gras, the Superbowl, two professional sports franchises and the entire Neville family combined. According to my very “scientific” calculations, Water-Mart’s boon to the city will mean that New Orleans will only have to be open to tourists three months out of the year. Take that, Houston!” said the senior economist, during a speech punctuated by pauses for standing ovations from Water-Mart executives. The economist based his calculations primarily on the abolishment of the living wage and any minimum wage laws. In fact, the UNO economist said he opposes the federal minimum wage, or any minimum wage [this statement is the only one in this article that is not made up-see the March 21 2002 issue of the Times-Picayune for statements by Dr. Timothy Ryan in an article entitled “Scholars Testify in Minimum Wage Case.”-Ed.]. Edward Melendez, a principal of The Urban Conservancy made a presentation to the City Council stressing the importance of the Water-Mart in improving the city’s appearance. “Everyone says the French Quarter needs to get rid of all that old stuff,” Melendez implored, clad only in a swimsuit and flip-flops, in keeping with the aquatic theme of the day. “Now, we’ll always get the best price, the best water slides and a newly sterilized historic district. It will be just like Atlanta, only more water-rific!”

Council members were at first unmoved by the presentations but became noticeably interested when informed that they would comprise a special panel that would hand pick all the new, high-dollar water rides. “The people of New Orleans should sleep well knowing that their City Council will take care of their water…I mean water rides,” a councilmember stated. The City Council has deferred a decision on the proposed Water-Mart until the plans could be reviewed by an independent “blue-ribbon” panel made up of Water-Mart supporters. “Water-Mart really deserves credit for gambling New Orleans’ money on such an obviously doomed venture but we will be asking the tough questions about this project. Like which rides will really make Houston and Atlanta jealous of our city,” a panel member suggested. “Besides, it’s not our company’s money.” Houston and Atlanta could not be reached for comment.

Founded in 2001, The Urban Conservancy is usually dedicated to research, education and advocacy that promote the wise stewardship of the urban built environment and local economies. However, today this press release is only an April Fool’s joke, but you knew that anyway, right?

The Urban Conservancy

Filed under: Wal-Mart